Out Of The Darkness -  A Ministry Of Hope
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OCD and the New Year

I am doing my usual review of the last year while contemplating my options for the New Year. Last night I thought about one option for the new year and soon I was completely obsessed with the possibilities. I did not fall asleep until almost four in the morning. 

As I was laying in my bed and stressing about the possibilities of this decision I realized I had absolutely no peace about this part of the decision. For me to walk this path I would have to take myself down roads I have already decided are not good for me.

Change Your Life with Baby Steps

It is my goal to write here no matter what. Somehow writing when I "feel like it", isn't getting anything done. If I wait until I am in the right mood that will never happen. 

Can I really manage my moods enough to actually get things done? Can I decide to move forward, even though I really don't feel like it? How do I do that? How do I train my mind to get done what I need to do even though my whole body just wants to quit? 

Starting small is a good plan. You cannot go from being completely stuck to utterly joyful overnight.

Leaping into the New Year

For the last six months my life has been at a stand still. Simply treading water to keep my head up. Depression invariably hits around the time of the holidays, I think this is part of the reason I love the new year so much. A new start, and a way to wipe the slate clean and move forward. 

My goal for 2016 is to take the leap of faith I have been afraid of for so long. I have determined to start my resolutions early. What is the point in waiting a week? My resolution is to love more, hug more, smile often and let myself be me.

Tumbleweed Christmas Tree

My memory wanders back to a much simpler time, when life for this six-year-old child was one of great wonder. It was the winter of 1970 and my family had only recently moved to the Southwest. Snow covered the landscape and it seemed the wind blew constantly. With Christmas just around the corner, I worried as there was no tree in our living room, and no gifts to wonder about. As a small child my understanding about finances was slim, nor did I consider where the gifts might come from.

Christmas morning dawned as I crept quietly to the living room.

Bipolar and Suicide - My Story

This was first published on www.cbn.com

CBN.com â€“This was not the first time I had considered suicide. As I look back on the situation which nearly brought about my demise, I am keenly aware it is also the situation which brought permanent, positive changes in my life. God carried me through this time of despair. He taught me to open my eyes and see the situation as one of growth instead of the end.

My Story
Slowly I slid to the floor as I watched the policeman buckle my children into the backseat of his police car and drive away.

Mending Broken Dreams

Twenty three years ago at 11:00 AM I stood in the foyer of the church I attended. At the altar stood the man I intended to spend my life with. Gone were the tears of past broken relationships. My future stood before me bright and clear. 

Yet when I touched it my world shattered at my feet. Less than two weeks after this beautiful day I woke up with the sick feeling I had made a horrible mistake. Determination grounded my soul as I fought for the life I had only dreamed of. Slowly the fragments of my dream slipped away.

The Phenomenon of the New Normal

The music and film industry has celebrated the thin, shapely women and the muscular men for years. Anyone who was not considered "beautiful" has been relegated to the part of weird or crazy. This type of behavior has not just been tolerated, it is encouraged.

I have watched the video of Susan Boyle trying out for Britain's Got Talent over and over. She was laughed at and scorned until she opened her mouth and the most beautiful sound silenced the mockers.

The video of an interview with Meghan Trainor where she tearfully admitted she never entertained the idea of a pop music career because she was not thin like Rhianna, My heart broke as I watched her go from joy to tears and back again.

I GIVE UP!!

     If you are a fan of football like I am you will understand this better, but I hope the analogy doesn't escape you. When the team is trying to reach the end zone sometimes they have to stop and let the "kicker" get the ball through the uprights when they come up short.
     I have been trying to reach a goal lately and I have come up short. I can't quite get that ball through the uprights and score the point I need. So, I gave up! I gave up trying to make something happen I gave up trying to get there on my own.

Bring on Yesterday......? NOT

     Yesterday I wrote a story about trauma in my life for a friend who is doing a book compilation on the subject. The story was about the days and weeks before my Mom passed away and the journey of forgiveness and grief after she passed away.
     There was much drama in my family in the days surrounding the passing of my Mom. I had to come to the point of forgiveness before restoration could begin.
     Life is hard enough as it is without adding drama with those in my life who I have loved the longest.

Hiding Behind Open Doors

     I have a thing about doors. I dream about doors and I have thoughts about doors. To me an open door is an invitation to walk through it. I always want to see what is on the other side.
     I also tend to hide behind closed doors. Sometimes those doors are open, but I really just don't want to walk through the door so I hide. I hide from people and I hide from life in general. Fear of making a mistake has kept me standing on the doorstep too many times.
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